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OK…so last week we talked dirty about phone domination. This week I have my thoughts set on…mutual MASTURBATION!

Why oh why, in the year 2015, are straight women still afraid of masturbating for their partners? Being that I not only LOVE LOVE LOVE to masturbate, but that I also adore a one-man (or woman) audience for it, I couldn’t help but wonder why some (many, in fact!) women simply cannot perform this act in their lover’s presence?

Let’s take my friend I’ll call Tanya, for example. She’s in her early thirties, no kids, and is by no means your “average” woman. She’s got a Master’s degree, still looks 25 and weighs all of 100lbs, and is currently in her first polyamorous relationship. She’d always been a bit of a wild child sexually—she was TOTALLY what we call JAIL BAIT as a teen—lost her virginity at 13 and dressed in the most scant punk whore attire you can imagine back in the early 90’s. Sex was not taboo or stigmatized for her in any way growing up. Her lack of inhibition wasn’t just due to youth- over the years she’s remained open sexually, from dancing naked at art shows to coming out as bisexual—she’s always been what I considered one of my more “sexually comfortable” female friends.

In fact, you may as well know she was MY first bisexual experience! Not my first KISS—that was with a young Michelle Pfeifer look-alike lipstick lesbian(I’ll tell you all about it sometime!)- but my first full-on SEX with a woman. (I know—it’s STILL hot to think about!) Plus, we were roommates on more than one occasion, so I know she wasn’t “quiet” in the bedroom. While she wasn’t “kinky” by standard definition—she hadn’t been into domination and submission—she was definitely open to many experiences beyond missionary, if you know what I mean. She was (and remains!) one of my few girlfriends who not only say they LOVE giving head, but she also truly LIKES swallowing cum. And she used a glass dildo on my like a pro more than once—have I painted the picture here? She LIKED sex. A lot. She wasn’t shy about it.

However, about a year and half ago she started dating a really kinky dude. He’s into ALL kinds of kink, from wearing his cock in a chastity belt while being teased, to being forced to wear women’s clothing, to begging to be fucked in the ass daily with a strap-on. She really loves this guy and has been more than happy to “learn” to be dominant, since he’s into being dominated. She’s taken to it like a duck to water, as the saying goes. And she’s helped him experiment for the first time with his dormant bisexual side (they’re poly and swingers), which was pretty much the ONLY thing this guy hadn’t tried yet. So now they are pretty much doing EVERYTHING in the book…except ONE thing: SHE CAN’T MASTURBATE FOR HIM!

I know, right? She’s got a strap-on up his ass, a ball-gag in his mouth, and women’s panties around his ankles, and yet, for some reason she can’t quite explain, she can’t perform this act for him, or anyone else. And this is nothing new to me—I have MULTIPLE female friends who are simply not comfortable getting off manually in front of their guys.

I targeted Tanya, asking her WHY this isn’t happening in her sex life? She wasn’t sure at first, but when I dug a bit, it seemed to me that her inhibition came from two things: not feeling “secure” with her orgasm being “scrutinized” so closely by someone who wasn’t also in the throes his/herself, and performance anxiety. Let’s start with talking about the first of the two…

I know it’s sort of unwelcome to say this, but yeah, some people DO make funny faces when cumming. We’ve seen it in real life, and we’ve suffered through it in the movies (I was totally thinking Walberg in Boogie Nights with that one!) too. But are expressions of passion, while sometimes, well, odd, are also still sexy. The person is experiencing sexual pleasure, and that’s HOT. I think guys naturally understand this, but I’m not sure women do nearly as much, unfortunately. We can be so preoccupied with wanting to look perfect and goddess-like at all times that we forget men don’t actually really dig PERFECT—they want sexy and attainable and REAL. They want us NOT to care if our hair gets mussed. I learned that a long time ago in my sexual adventures, but not all women seem privy to this liberating fact!

So…how do you get your girl to stroke her pussy for you? To lean back and take her toy, or her hand, slide it in between her legs, and let loose…

I suggest, if your partner isn’t so into the idea, to try it with the lights off first.
Let her escape worrying about making a silly or tense face in the darkness. Then she can just concentrate on the feeling.

Or, it might be fun for you to just wear a blindfold while she does it. That could very well enhance HER experience too, having that new “power” over you and the situation.

Also- ahem—try doing OVER THE PHONE. You can’t see her, she doesn’t feel “studied”…it’s a great scenario for play. You can gradually, as her comfort level increases, start lighting a candle before beginning. And make sure she can SEE and HEAR how aroused you are—that’s crucial. You’re stroking it while she’s “working” and you need to be sure to tell her how hard you are, and how much it turns you on when she touches herself.

As for the second, well, performance anxiety is a hard one. The pressure to climax- to provide that grand finale- can be an accidental deterrent to both men and women alike. It truly helps, obviously, the more comfortable you are in general with your partner. But it’s a great idea to make sure she knows that an orgasm ISN’T the end-all-be-all. Let her know that it’s “safe” to just play and that you’re not “in it” for the “payoff”– that just watching her touch herself in ANY capacity or intensity is super hot for you. Sometimes we just can’t take too much “pressure” to “make it happen”, so it’s nice to know YOU won’t be disappointed if that’s the case. If we feel like you enjoy ALL of it, no matter where it leads, that helps us relax.

Lastly, let her watch YOU, if she will. I LOVE watching guys jerk themselves–I don’t know why, but it gets me hotter than watching “regular sex” in action.



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